Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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