she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He passed out mid-signature
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
