Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
