would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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