Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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