New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
