I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
