A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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