I hate all girls vehemently.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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