He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
