Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
