I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
