remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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