oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
