What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
