The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
