He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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