I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
