woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
