I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
