wrigley field is MILF paradise
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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