Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
