wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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