My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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