Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
