So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
