dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
