When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
