i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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