remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
