I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
