she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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