I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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