Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sorry about my life...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
