bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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