at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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