Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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