I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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