my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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