I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
