i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
