Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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