New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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