we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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