I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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