i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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