Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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