They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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