Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
