I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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