I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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