I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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