apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
