Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
