I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
