My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
