I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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