My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
