I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I want to fling myself into the sun
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
